With added blurriness for added authenticity.
*wakes up in funk, plagued by curious lack of existential motivation*
*fears the sudden rapid onset of depression relapse*
*moans about it for while over coffee and a pipe*
*no more fear ~ just dopey heavy-lidded eyes and belly-deep contentmemt*
I just unlocked a revolutionary new addition to my meditation tool box ~ secret public pranayama … I think I will call this asana Reclining Bench Half Lotus 😀
I was feeling anxious after being out in public and picking up on weird vibes from the clamour of egoic materialism and couldn’t wait to get home for my midday pranayama sit, when I thought, Why wait?
I tend to forget that people are generally more absorbed in their own thoughts and distractions to notice anything less than totally unusual, and there’s nothing unusual about a guy sitting on a bench, breathing with his eyes closed behind wraparound mirrored sunglassss.
So I went for it. I used a count I was able to recall from the Prana Breath app, and with just a few breaths I noticed the prana shift out of my head, neck and chest, deep through the belly and out through the nose, taking with it all the strange not-Self shame I must have picked up through empathy in my goings about the world:
when I feel shame these days and I can check back through my recent actions and see I have done nothing to be ashamed of, I naturally wonder where it comes from ~ it is either old shame that rears its head, or it is shame I pick up from others, and either way it is not mine;
I see it, and by seeing it I am able to unsee it, to let it go, to not identify with it.
It’s very liberating: shame is such an awful feeling, so when I can choose to let it go, spontaneously a sense of rest comes to me and I am able to sit with myself and see that everything is a-okay.
I’m learning through these experiences that shame and anxiety are inextricably linked ~ what I used to think was anxiety now feels like a deeper older emotional blockage, a sense of not being right in the world, a deep sense of unwelcome, fear, and self-loathing.
Shame is connected to not being true to yourSelf, because if shame is the feeling that you are the mistake whereas guilt is more like reasonable remorse for having made a mistake, then guilt can be avoided by learning from mistakes of behaviour and not repeating them, whereas the only way to avoid shame is by changing your entire way of being, which requires a meditation practice of mystical proportions.
It can be done (I know this from such direct experience as mentioned above), but it requires un-learning a lot of things we were taught about our roles as human doings, and a lot of re-learning (Re-membering) our true function as human beings.
Our purpose and function as sentient human beings is to witness and evolve the Beauty of the Cosmic Consciousness, and we do this by finding stillness in the inner environment ~ the witnessing and the evolution comes naturally in that stillness. No one has to know we’re doing this, and it’s something that can be done at the bus stop.
That’s pretty exciting!
But not half as exciting as the cushions I found at the Superfood Cafe here. I think I could get used to this secret-public-meditation thing.
Time for some Reclining Butterfly, maybe a hit from the bong of the Reclining Corpse …
this is how I will re-enter society without resorting back to self-medicating against the actually-quite-weirdly beautiful Vibes of the Cosmic Verse.
This is one of the more gnarly rides i’ve done on this trip, and i’m pasting it here as much because i’m proud of it as because i can’t figure out how to save it in Google.
I’m doing these rides on a modified cyclo-cross bike, which weighed 55kg full-loaded, before i invested in a trailer. You can’t easily see the gradients in this map, but i took a “wrong” turn somewhere and climbed a road called Mountain Forest Road, which was brutal. I had to stop every 5 or 10 metres to catch my breath, then catch another 5 or 10 metres until i got to the top and the road levelled out.
I’m so proud for challenging myself and for accomplishing these feats. I’ve been really enjoying typing my journals for the last week or so, and playing with Google Maps and Strava to get some of the statistics of the rides i have done. I want to draw these maps by hand someday, as an exercise in reflecting on what i have achieved.
For now though, i need to get off this machine and go and exchange a torch i bought yesterday that flat-out doesn’t work, and eat a Boost bar, and by some Tally-Hos, and pick up my drink bottles from a friend i left them with by accident, and then come back here to type up the notes from this leg.
I’m typing up some of my journals here in Merimbula, and thought i would share this nugget as a taster of posts to come:
Figuring the best way to pass through the fence was by pushing down the middle wire (which was the one of five that wasn’t barbed), and that i needed to be quick, i crouched, pushed the wire down and swung my right leg through in one fluid motion, then ZAP!, i discovered the middle wire was electrified while my balls were still making the passage through the fence.