you know you’re not depressed when …

… you wake up from a dream about organising your dharma-study materials, see it’s 4:52am and uncontrivedly say, “Oh fuck yeah!”, because you’ve had nine hours sleep and you remember that this arrived in the post yesterday.

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bus-stop pranayama 

I just unlocked a revolutionary new addition to my meditation tool box ~ secret public pranayama … I think I will call this asana Reclining Bench Half Lotus 😀

I was feeling anxious after being out in public and picking up on weird vibes from the clamour of egoic materialism and couldn’t wait to get home for my midday pranayama sit, when I thought, Why wait?

I tend to forget that people are generally more absorbed in their own thoughts and distractions to notice anything less than totally unusual, and there’s nothing unusual about a guy sitting on a bench, breathing with his eyes closed behind wraparound mirrored sunglassss.

So I went for it. I used a count I was able to recall from the Prana Breath app, and with just a few breaths I noticed the prana shift out of my head, neck and chest, deep through the belly and out through the nose, taking with it all the strange not-Self shame I must have picked up through empathy in my goings about the world:

when I feel shame these days and I can check back through my recent actions and see I have done nothing to be ashamed of, I naturally wonder where it comes from ~ it is either old shame that rears its head, or it is shame I pick up from others, and either way it is not mine;

I see it, and by seeing it I am able to unsee it, to let it go, to not identify with it.

It’s very liberating: shame is such an awful feeling, so when I can choose to let it go, spontaneously a sense of rest comes to me and I am able to sit with myself and see that everything is a-okay.

I’m learning through these experiences that shame and anxiety are inextricably linked ~ what I used to think was anxiety now feels like a deeper older emotional blockage, a sense of not being right in the world, a deep sense of unwelcome, fear, and self-loathing. 

Shame is connected to not being true to yourSelf, because if shame is the feeling that you are the mistake whereas guilt is more like reasonable remorse for having made a mistake, then guilt can be avoided by learning from mistakes of behaviour and not repeating them, whereas the only way to avoid shame is by changing your entire way of being, which requires a meditation practice of mystical proportions.

It can be done (I know this from such direct experience as mentioned above), but it requires un-learning a lot of things we were taught about our roles as human doings, and a lot of re-learning (Re-membering) our true function as human beings.

Our purpose and function as sentient human beings is to witness and evolve the Beauty of the Cosmic Consciousness, and we do this by finding stillness in the inner environment ~ the witnessing and the evolution comes naturally in that stillness. No one has to know we’re doing this, and it’s something that can be done at the bus stop.

That’s pretty exciting!

But not half as exciting as the cushions I found at the Superfood Cafe here. I think I could get used to this secret-public-meditation thing.

Time for some Reclining Butterfly, maybe a hit from the bong of the Reclining Corpse … 

this is how I will re-enter society without resorting back to self-medicating against the actually-quite-weirdly beautiful Vibes of the Cosmic Verse.